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My stomach hates me…

My stomach hates me. I woke up this morning with terrible acid reflux AND nausea - oh, goody. Two for one!

I couldn’t even eat my Organic Rice Krispies. That’s saying something. When Rice Krispies hurt, you know there is a problem. I had been on Protonix - and had no acid or nausea problems within a week or so of starting… but I only had one month worth, and one week after going off it, all the problems were back with a vengence.

I’m exhausted and feel crappy and my husband’s frustrated because he’s been missing so much time at his desk, thanks to having to drive my butt to and from work. Well, actually, I’ve been driving, but he’s been with me. Tomorrow I have to drive alone… and to be honest, I’m terrified. But I can’t expect him to keep lugging me around forever, and it’s not fair to take him from his desk for so long (it winds up being like two and a half missed hours per day).

I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. I did get the promotion… two days a week, I am a lead teacher. I’m thrilled and excited to be live on https://www.jasminlive.mobi, but concerned - what if I can’t handle it? What if I can’t handle the parents, whom I’ve been very strongly warned about?

I just feel a little shaky this morning…

It went great!

I only have a few minutes, but my first day went great. I had a mini meltdown this morning, but driving - of all things - soothed my nerves!

Driving?!?! Who’d have ever imagined that! Not me, that’s for damn sure.

It’s odd… it’s sort of like long division. Now I know you’re all going, huh? because what the hell can long division have to do with driving. Well, I had this horrendously mean math teacher in 4th grade. We were trying to learn long division. I just never, ever got it. She’d get meaner and meaner and I’d be more and more lost. Summer came and when we got back to school, in 5th grade, I had the same mean teacher (her first name was Oksana and I still find that name scary)… but from the first day of long division review I just got it. It was simple and I couldn’t understand what had been so hard the year before.

Well, I kinda feel that way about driving… I was sure that after such a long hiatus from it, I’d be terrified and back at square one, but instead I am finding I’m calmer than I have ever been behind the wheel. Which isn’t to say things don’t still scare me - they do. I’m not crazy about driving on the busier roads still and I’m still not a fan of changing lanes… but the littlest things used to scare me and now they don’t bother me. I’m even finding it’s become more natural to do all the things you have to do when driving (check mirrors, maintain speed, keep an eye on the speedometer, etc). It’s not natural yet - but I’m getting there.. and it’s kinda empowering, frankly.

I’m even driving down this weekend… to the plains! The highway down scares me to death because it’s all twisty and mountain-y… but my husband thinks I’ll be ready - so I’ll give it a shot!

There’s a slight chance I might get promoted. There’s a teacher who might not come back and my boss made it clear today that she has me in mind should that happen. There’s also a teacher who left early today - after a long conference with our director - and she sounded upset as she was leaving. I don’t know what happened, but if she’s been fired or decided to leave, then I might get her spot, too… then there’s a third teacher who isn’t crazy about some policies in her room - and they are trying to work with her because they understand her feelings, but if they aren’t able to give her as much as she wants, she might also leave. She doesn’t need to work and I think she’d like more time to spend with her family anyway, based on a few things she said today. While I don’t want to say that I want to benefit from someone’s misfortunes, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I’d love to get a teaching position - especially since it comes with the teacher’s salary and benefits.

Anyway, that’s the deal with my first day… just wanted to share. I really like the women I’ll be working with on https://www.jasminelive.online/, so far, anyway… and the director reminds me a little of my mom, but she’s… well, more maternal. Haha.

Thanks for thinking of me and for checking on me! :)

Tomorrow is a BIG day for me - and I’m freaked!

ACK!!! I got the job I wanted, but now I’m forced to go to it. :P

That probably sounds crazy… it’s just that I haven’t worked full-time in six years and that last job was truly awful. It was far and away the worst job I’ve ever had. There was so much bullshit going on… and they totally screwed me over. This is a story worth telling… but it’s a bit long. I’ll try to keep it as simple as possible… I was hired as a head teacher to replace the teacher who’d been promoted to Kindergarten (that sounds funny). Janice warned me on day one that Carmella - the assistant teacher on the other side of the classroom (it was divided into two groups, but was one big room) was a problem. She also warned me that no one did anything about her. You see, her sister, Rianna, was the assistant director - and everyone, including me, loved Rianna. How Carmella and Rianna were sisters is beyond me… they were the two most different people you can imagine. Rianna was bright, sweet and funny… Carmella was bitter, bitchy and vindictive. She resented not being promoted to my position. To make things worse, so did Shanika, my assistant teacher. When I say that Shanika wouldn’t talk to me, I am not exaggerating. She never spoke to me at all… everything was a grunted yes or no. Eventually, she got fired - and Carmella took that time to blame it on me!

I dealt with this sort of crap for months. It got so bad I would cry on Sunday nights over the thought of having to go there the next morning. I was living for my paid vacation - which was supposedly going to happen after 90 days. I made sure of this in late April and we booked a trip to New Orleans. In early June I asked the owner about my insurance. She said they’d do my review in a few days and then I’d get the paperwork.

They had hired a girl to replace Shanika. She was 19, inexperienced and, well… lazy. You can’t be lazy when you work with they. Not regularly, at least - we all have bad days, right? But Cassidy did NOTHING day after day after day, and it caused my they to be more difficult to handle, which caused Carmella to smear my name whenever she could - even to the parents who would listen. Most of the parents liked me, but it got ugly for a while. Finally, Cassidy quit. I told the owner and director exactly how I was feeling about it all. There were meetings and talks, but nothing really ever came of it. Finally, they moved Teresa from her class into mine. She was amazing. She’d been there longer than Carmella - and didn’t take any of her shit. Things finally were looking up. Then I was tripped by a two-year old walking back from the park and dislocated my shoulder. I was out of work for five weeks (during which time, btw, Teresa had all the same problems with Carmella that I did). When I came back, I wasn’t supposed to work with my toddlers… in fact, I wasn’t supposed to have come back at that point at all. I was still waiting for worker’s comp to approve physical therapy. They told me they’d put me on restricted duty - no lifting - and promptly put me in the infant room (with babies who were all over 9 months). Then they sent me on a trip to the zoo with the very toddlers I’d been working with. They kept brushing aside my questions about my insurance… I was tolerating it only because I had to get registered to get back into school… and I needed them to be flexible with me.

It got worse and worse. Finally, right after I began classes, they took me off the schedule one week. I was pissed. Brooke, the director said, well you won’t be here enough to make it worth it to have you on (which was crap because they ALWAYS needed help). So I asked to use my vacation time (because of getting hurt right before our trip, I didn’t get the paid time off since I got worker’s comp). Then they told me I didn’t have any. I was furious… I wrote a letter, detailing what I’d been promised and what I had been given. They had lawyers help them draft a response, stating that they didn’t give vacation until six months (and the handbook actually said that, unfortunately) and that after 90 days I’d have been eligible only if I had a “favorable review” - and they included a copy of a review they’d never given me back in June - dated before I’d talked to my boss about insurance. Obviously, they wrote it after the fact.

Anyway, to make it all worse, when I had my husband (then my Chaturbate boyfriend) call to ask about a reference (as though he was a prospective employer) Brooke trashed me. I was so pissed off. She was unbelievable… like the time one of the women we worked with got pregnant and confided in Brooke - as her director - and Brooke told everyone. Then poor Melissa had a miscarriage - and Brooke told everyone. Well, I found out it wasn’t supposed to be public knowledge because I asked the receptionist if anyone knew how Melissa was doing… and she told Brooke. Brooke came to me and said, oh, I wasn’t supposed to open my big mouth and tell anyone, so don’t say anything to Melissa when she comes back. Yeah, real professional… bitch.

So, you can see why I’m worried. Obviously, I don’t expect this place to be like that… it’s just, after such an awful working experience, I’m still scarred… it’s the last place I worked. When I was working part-time earlier this year, I was working alone. I didn’t have to worry about other people, just the ’s parents (who loved me). I was alone with the little guy all day and it was fine.

I want more of a challenge, and I want to do this job… I’m just scared. I’m also worried about my physical limitations getting in the way. Will I be physically able to handle the challenges? I just don’t know.

Add to all of this the driving component… I have to drive myself to work tomorrow. I drove there yesterday, with my husband in the car - and he’ll be with me tomorrow. The plan was to do the drive alone on Wednesday, but I don’t think I’m ready for that… and thankfully, though it’s a major disruption in his day, my husband volunteered that he’ll go with me, if I feel I need him.

Then there’s the fact that my online classes also start tomorrow! I’m just a bit freaked out… it’s all happening so fast and I’m overwhelmed.

But my hub bought me these adorable teacher stamps at Costco yesterday… isn’t he sweet? He said he saw them and thought of me… and I don’t know if I will get to use them or not, since I’m not a head teacher, but I’ll bring them to show my director and see what she thinks. With her I can probably use them.

I am trying to not think about it… but if I do, I’m freaked! I’m sure I’ll feel better after tomorrow, and at least I know that I am home Tuesday this week and can use that time to do the few things I need to get in order before I start full-time.

Shopping sucks…

So I need new clothes. For the past… well, six years, really, I’ve been going to school and/or -sitting. Despite the fact that most of the students at my college dressed more for the runway than for academia, I never felt the need. It probably stemmed from being older and married. Why did I need to impress 21 year-old boys?

Anyway, because of that my wardrobe has been mainly knit pants and t-shirts. I have bought a few nicer pieces here and there when we had an event to attend, but in general, I kept it simple. I also wear my clothes to threads. Oh, and then there’s the “table effect” of having huge boobs… if I spill even a tiny bit of what I am eating (and I am prone to spillage), I ruin a shirt because it lands, well… right there.

Then there’s the aspect of having gotten to the point where there are no stores in which I can shop in person, save Catherine’s. Now I love Catherine’s because they have great sales and the clothes are generally not terribly expensive and they are usually well made. However, they also have some very odd items… and often times I find there are more very odd items than the kind I want to wear. Now, I am sure these items have their place… but for me? Uhuh. I am fat. I carry my weight in my gut and my boobs. So the last thing I want is a wild, crazy print in a slinky, fitted material… and more and more often their t-shirts, even the simple ones, are being made with spandex. I hate spandex. I have an “itchy” issue and spandex is one of the big no-nos for me. I am the only person I’ve ever met who finds it itchy, but I do. This “itchy” thing drove my family nuts when I was little, but I have not grown out of it.

Other than Catherine’s, I’m left to shop online… and since we moved I haven’t been driving so I’ve had no way to get to a Catherine’s. My husband can barely tolerate Wal-Mart, so I’m not about to ask him to wait while I clothes shop… at least at Wal-Mart I’m buying him groceries, too.

So I shop at the Lane Bryant Catalog site. It actually just got a makeover and works quite nicely now. They have relatively cheap clothes, but generally speaking it’s obvious that they are cheap. They aren’t as bad as Roaman’s (though I did get my lovely, inexpensive wedding dress from Roaman’s for like $110)… I’ve ordered things from Roaman’s that felt like they were stitched with paper. Seriously. It’s that bad.

I also shop at the unbelievably irritating Silhouettes. Oh, let me count the ways I hate this site and company. True, the clothes are usually very well made. However, they are also rather pricey, sometimes to a ridiculous point. Then the new thing is they are charging an extra delivery fee on “heavier” items, which blows since their shipping is already ridiculously high (and always has been). Not to mention, they ship very, very slow. Oh, and if you type your credit card wrong, they might not tell you. It might seem like your order has been placed and then when two weeks pass and you still haven’t gotten the order - or even a shipping confirmation - you email and they say, oh your credit card was declined. I have had Just My Size and New Balance both tell me when I’ve typo-ed my credit card number… immediately. Then there’s the website. It blows. It has always sucked, but they just changed their shopping cart and made it even worse - something that is really impressive and must’ve taken a considerable effort of idiocy and poor web design on their parts.

I also enjoy how something will say, both in the current catalog and on the website, that if you buy two you get a discount… but then you don’t. That’s a nice bonus. I sent them a scathing email about that one and will cancel my entire order if they don’t give me the discounts… I’m tired of their bullshit.

Out of all the online services, Catherine’s is far superior. Their website is easiest to use and it works. Also, they have the fastest turn around time ever. Within a day, usually, the order will ship and even when you go with cheapie shipping, it arrives quickly. Plus, the upside is in-store returns. I have several of those to make tomorrow!

I am just frustrated. I am pleased with my weight loss progress thus far - how could I not be? - but I want to be able to just buy cheapo clothes at Wal-Mart or Target. See, that’s the part that most pisses me off… dropping several hundred bucks on clothes I will not wear long. I may have to start selling stuff on e-bay again. I’d buy it there, but shipping costs on e-bay are insane lately and it’s not worth it unless someone has a lot of items I want and does discounted shipping (which hasn’t happened yet).

However, I did recently buy a sweater at Wal-Mart that almost fits. I also grabbed a cute top - without trying it on - that is at least 30 pounds from fitting, but I’m keeping it anyway. It’s cute and was under $15, which to me is a steal. I’m venturing out of my clothing comfort zone. I tend to wear dark colors - and I have a bizarre affinity for blues and greys, which led to my husband telling me I looked like a Confederate soldier. Well, I’m exploring. I’ve never worn brown, but I just ordered this adorable sweatshirt in brown (that’s a scarecrow on it) to wear to work when it gets closer to Halloween… and I got brown knit pants to go with it. I also got this top from Catherine’s and I love it (it already arrived). I got a really cute skirt that I’ve been coveting for months, but it finally went on sale… and I can’t wait to wear it. It’s a bit fancier, so I’ll probably save it for when my in-laws are here and we go out to dinner.

Okay, so that resolves the clothing issues - as best as is possible - but I also need some shoes. I currently live in the same $14 pair of men’s Champion flip-flops (affectionately known as my “man flops” around here) that I bought in NYC back in April because I hate flying in real shoes. Frankly, I have a bizarre love/hate thing with shoes, period. I hate them on my feet. My feet feel like they are in prison. I am incredibly blister prone and have very big feet (size 12), except one foot is nearly an entire size smaller (the right one). They are also really wide (E width, usually). This makes it about as impossible to buy shoes in person as it is to buy clothes in person. In fact, it’s harder. I can usually find something at Payless, but let’s face it, cheap shoes do not make happy feet. This is something I’m finally accepting, though it still pains me to spend $100 bucks or more on shoes.

Well, I’ve found a pair I love. They carry them at Shoebuy and Zappos, which are two online stores I love because they do free shipping and free returns. This is a wonderful thing for us freakish fat footed people who can’t buy shoes in person. Zappos even does a 365 day return policy. That’s impressive. Anyway, I actually fell in love with these shoes at the LB site, but they were more expensive and of course, there’s that free return policy to consider. So why haven’t I bought them? Well… two reasons. One is they carry the extra wide width only at LB, but that might not be an issue because it seems many find them a bit wide. But then there’s also the dilemna of being practical… the ones I just linked to make some sense here in Colorado, given the winter is not far off. They are leather. The ones I absolutely adore, however, are a leather suede combo and I think they are, well, adorable. See?

Decisions, decisions… I think the suede ones work better for dressier outfits, and these are going to be my “dressy” shoes (pathetic, I know, but it’s Colorado, and things are pretty casual here anyway). I mean, if there’s a blizzard, how likely am I to wear that pretty skirt anyway?

Okay, my clothing/shoe shopping rant is over now. I hope you’ve enjoyed it. :)

Have a lovely weekend! We’ll be running errands… bah. I have to return clothes that either looked awful or didn’t fit to Catherine’s and hope they have some different ones I like.

I GOT IT!!!

I got the job I really wanted!!! She hired me on the spot!!! I really liked her and the receptionist and can’t wait to meet the other staff members. I overheard her telling someone that I was “awesome” - that felt great!

It was the first interview I’ve been to since starting this process where I really meant everything I was saying, where it wasn’t just, oh I know the answer they want and I’ll give it. Don’t get me wrong, I love they… I love being with them and there are some issues on which I will not budge when it comes to the right way to do things… but daycare centers add all sorts of complicated layers to it - and rarely even follow through on half the stuff they say they want done.

I am so thrilled. I can’t wait to start. I begin on Monday… and the they don’t start back until after Labor Day, so I will be able to be home when my in-laws arrive here for the first time - which was very important to me. I am, however, going to have to figure out a way home the day before when there’s staff stuff going on because my husband has to go and get them from the airport that day. So maybe I’ll have to find a cab company or something.

My hub is taking me out to dinner tonight to celebrate… I chose Applebee’s because they have the WW menu, but I think I’ll splurge and use Flex Points for dessert. I tried the raspberry chocolate cake that’s on the WW menu last time and it sucked. It was seriously dry and the raspberry sauce was bland. Booorrrring!

Anyway, that’s my big news!!!

WI, Job search & sleep apnea update…

So, after much thought and a postponement, I decided not to interview for the nanny job. Being a nanny is a wonderful experience - I’ve done it for two families now. However, it doesn’t help me reach my ultimate goal - and it probably hurts my chances, to be honest. I realized I was selling myself short by seriously considering any nanny job. This is not to be offensive to nannies - it’s not an easy job or a fluff job - it’s just that to think I have to fall back on that is ridiculous. I am qualified to work as a preschool group leader (aka “head teacher”) in Colorado and I’d be stupid not to try to get that much, at least. Even if it’s in a daycare, it puts me back into a group teaching setting - and that helps, since I haven’t officially been a group leader/head teacher since 2000. I actually worked at an awful center for six months, but they fired me (long story, but suffice it to say I didn’t deserve that and knew it was coming) and I don’t use them on my resume because I had my husband call to pretend to request a reference and they freakin’ trashed me (illegal, btw). If I am asked about being dismissed, I’m honest, but I don’t volunteer the info.

Anyway, so I’m going for my dream… I’ve decided to become a teacher and I’m not going to back down now. I’m already registered for the two classes I need (which start next week!) and I’m registered for the PRAXIS II content test ($115 bucks! I’d better pass!) in November… at 7 am on a Saturday, yuck! I mean, okay we get up by 6:30, even on Saturdays, but still… the idea that I have to get up that early to take a test is not one I love. But it will be worth it.

We got library cards this weekend and I took out tons of books about teaching, and two giant ones on the history of Imperial China and the history of India. There are large sections of study questions related to both in my ETS study guide, so I figure that will help. My husband can tutor me for the math parts - and frankly he can help me refresh my memory on the science stuff I no longer remember (all the stuff I learned in physics). I really wish I’d kept my Poly Sci, US history, Wester Civ, Chem, Physics, Geology textbooks… they’d be very helpful right now. But, I have a library card… and actually, I can access my college’s online documents and I still have online access to any online info via the NYC library. So that will be helpful, too.

I have an interview today, at a daycare, for a position I’m not really thrilled about… it’s working with 2 1/2 to 3 year olds - which almost certainly means potty training and I really don’t want to do that again. I’ve done it in the past and it’s actually really disruptive. It’s very hard to run a class when you have to stop what you are doing to take they to the potty every 20 minutes or so (and that’s not an exaggeration, btw - we were required to do that at the center where I worked with this age group). Plus, add to that the fact that so many parents (for some reason, especially of boys) are not diligent about following through with the potty training over the weekend and by Monday you start almost at square one again. It’s a frustrating process… I realize that most people can’t shut down their lives to take their they to the potty non-stop over the weekend, but when you have a kid who is actively being potty trained, letting him or her use stupid Pull Ups as diapers doesn’t help matters any. *Rant over*

So, I’m going, because it’s a daycare and the they are somewhat older… it’s considered their “young preschool” group. Besides, she mentioned that it wasn’t necessarily set in stone that this was the age group they were hiring for. However, that could just mean they have someone in there that they are considering firing - and they may not even actually be hiring yet.

Whatever the case may be, I’ll be going there today. It’s “down” but not too far down… close enough to be worth it still.

Tomorrow I have the job interview for the position I really want. I’ve been reading about the curriculum this charter school uses and I really think it’s fabulous, at least in theory. I’ve also been reading up about charter schools and I think they are fabulous, too… at least in theory. If this curriculum works the way I think it will, I want my they in a school using it. It’s that good. Plus, charter schools have smaller class sizes, which is a nice benefit.

I am nervous because I really want the job and I’m going to be crushed if I don’t get it… especially since I’ll almost certainly get the daycare job - and I can’t tell you how much I don’t want to work with that age group. I love the age… it’s just such a difficult job, trying to be both a teacher and a professional potty trainer. It’s really not what I want to do at this point. The center claims to pay better than others, so if asked what I’m looking to make, I plan to raise my standards. If I am going to work with younger they I want to at least make more money ;) !

So that’s where the job search stands.

As for the sleep apnea… well, the latest is I found a dentist approved by my insurance for exactly this reason. That doesn’t necessarily mean they will cover it, but based on what they said they’d cover out-of-network (60% after our ridiculous $4,000 deductible - none of which we’ve met, of course), I believe they’ll cover an in-network doctor at 100%. The insurance person is finding out, but since she hasn’t gotten back to me yet I plan to call today if I haven’t gotten a message from her by the time I get home from my interview. I’m tired of being tired and I need to be able to drive. Winter is fast approaching… oh, those of you at normal elevations are probably thinking I’m being dramatic, but up here at 9500 feet we already have Aspen trees starting to turn. Autumn peaks in about two or three weeks up here… so winter really isn’t too far behind! Actually, my mom and I love fall and I sent her the first turned leaf we found. My husband - who has always hated fall (mostly because he get SAD) - actually found it and gave it to me. I considered keeping it - after all, it’s my first fall Aspen leaf! - but it made me think of my mom, so I sent it to her that same morning. She got it yesterday and really liked it.

Back to the main point… I need to get this sleeping issue dealt with. I am not convinced any OSA treatment will be enough. I wake up with pain a number of times per week. I like to sleep on my side, but I get this sort of crampy pain near my hips - especially my left hip (and of course, I most prefer to sleep on my left side). It’s hard to describe, but it’s like a tightening or something. One doctor though I had sciatica and another wanted me to see a physical therapist… but I never got around to it because it was right before we left New York. Next time I see my doctor here, I’ll ask her about it.

The new dentist is so much better than the one I went to first, so I’m glad he’s who I am going to be treated by. He just struck me as more interested in getting his patients help, whereas the other one seemed out to make a buck. The new one did a much more thorough exam to see if I was a good candidate and he demonstrated, on me, how these devices work - and how they are even going to help me breathe better through my nose. Though he also warned me that the devices work best if I can breathe through my nose and keep my mouth shut. I am a lifelong mouth breather… which I learned in 7th grade when they made fun of me (I hated 7th grade) for breathing with my mouth opened. *Sigh* If it wasn’t one thing, it was another! I didn’t really give a damn, I was used to being made fun of by then…

At any rate, the bottom line is, I may need to go back to an ENT to have a better exam done of my sinuses. Though I’ve had that damn scope stuck up there twice, that doesn’t mean crap. My husband also had that done and everything looked fine. The ENT he went to was a bit more thorough than mine, however, and wisely sent him for a CAT scan… sure enough, his head is full of gunk. The doctor actually recommended surgery, but this was also close to our move and he decided to wait… but I think he’ll do it soon because living with chronic sinus issues is no fun.

Now I don’t have nearly the problems he does, but I really struggle to get enough breath through my nose. The dentist, looking at the results of my sleep study, noted that my sleep apnea is considered rather mild - and that my oxygen level never dropped below 90%. He said that indicated to him that it might not be true sleep apnea, but a condition known as Upper Airway Resistance Syndrome - which is treated very well using dental devices. So that was interesting news… also when I researched UARS I discovered that many of the people who suffer from it are told they don’t have sleep apnea at all, but they aren’t told what they do have - it’s just missed. They go on without treatment, feeling crappy and apparently many wind up seeing psychiatrists to get help (and probably sleeping pills). This struck me as interesting, because given how miserable I feel most of the time and how chronically exhausted I am, I was sure I’d have severe OSA… and I don’t. Also, given that I have such mild OSA, I want all the more to try something other than CPAP… mild OSA makes me a very good candidate for the dental device. Woohoo! Now I just need to hope my insurance will cover it.

Finally, I’m down another 2.6 pounds for a grand total of -32.4!!! :D